Oh my god, you’re so
I wish I could just be like you, just walk away from my body and my face and my flaws and look like you. The way your eyes sparkle in the sunlight like prisms. The way your nose sits on your face in the perfect spot with the perfect proportion to the rest of your features. The way your hair curls when it dries, how soft it feels when you smooth it, how pretty and golden it looks on that pretty head with that pretty face with the sparkling eyes and cute little nose.
I wish I had your body. I wish I had those perky breasts below that thin neck, the breasts that look like symmetrical spheres in that bra, that feel so fun and squishy to touch. I wish I had that waistline, ooooh god I would kill to be able to wear that dress the way you do. The way that waist curves down to your hips, that gives you that great hourglass figure that I would just KILL for. I wish I had those great legs that look perfect in any tights or leggings or SKINNY JEANS. And all the way down to those GODDAMN TINY FEET! I could just eat them for breakfast with a side of toast. You must have all the best luck finding shoes to show off those amazing little feet.
I bet if I had your body, I would never have problems. I bet I would have men and women lining up to take me on a date, to tell me I’m pretty, to make me feel special. I bet I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror and always say “hello gorgeous” and even a giggidy or two. I bet I would stop wearing makeup and stop going to work and stop BREATHING because I would only want to look in the mirror at the flawless angel that is meeeee.
You really don’t have problems, do you? You don’t get angry at little things or feel sad when it rains. You don’t feel anxious when you leave the house or fight with your partner about inane things that don’t even matter. You don’t have to deal with life like other people do, do you? You don’t have narratives in your head that say “you’re a worthless nothing” or “no one would miss you,” do you? You don’t know how it feels to want something you’ll never be, or to compare yourself to girls on TV, do you? You don’t worry about your weight and eat everything you want because your body is so perfect it could never look bad in anything or out of it, do you?
I bet you even forget
I bet you woke up one day and realized you were a woman all along, or that you were finally ready to accept yourself and then snapped your fingers and all your dreams came true. I bet you have a pretty decent history and that you weren’t very unhappy before, and being a girl was all that was missing to make it perfect. I bet your life is enchanted now and that your future is all set out for you and everything is exciting and ROSY. Just FUCKING ROSY. I bet you don’t swear much, because girls don’t swear much and you’re so goddamn GREAT at being a girl. And being a girl is great, RIGHT?!
I bet you never get CLOCKED or MISGENDERED. I bet you always FIT IN and feel like you BELONG. I bet you have all sorts of CIS friends who don’t even KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. I bet your family is AMAZING and they never questioned you or felt uneasy or didn’t believe you or think something was WRONG. You’re too pretty for any of those things. You’re too beautiful to ever know hurt or understand pain. You’re too, you’re too
You’re too cis.
Cis women will never understand me. They understand you, but me, feh. Cis women have it made, they’ll never understand the pain of being born in the wrong body. They’ll never know how it feels to have their identity questioned. They’ll never understand what it’s like to be ostracized for looking different, they’ll never be made to feel like an invader. They’ll never see disproportionately large numbers of their population be raped and murdered because of hate crimes. They’ll never be fetishized for who they are or stalked on social media because they’re a novelty. Their rights will never be threatened, they’ll never face mass stigma for their bodies, they’ll never be subjugated by rhetoric or hateful laws.
Cis women question us. They question our validity as REAL women. They claim to be threatened by us, when they really just don’t want us to be part of their reindeer games. They trigger us with their words, they attack us with their missions. Missions to destroy us, missions to push us back into the closet, missions to define us out of womanhood altogether. Cis women are cruel, cis women are stupid, cis women are hateful.
Cis women are trying to define us by our bodies, by our genitalia. Cis women are trying to define us by the way we look.
If only I could look like them, maybe they would accept me. Maybe they would be friends with me and wouldn’t know the difference. Maybe they would let me into their spaces and tell me I’m pretty and make me feel special. Maybe they would see my point of view, love my experiences, CALL ME WOMAN.
I might even forget
But you. You’re so